Saturday, April 28, 2012

Deja Vu Part 4

Alright, so resisting the incredible temptation to yank on knobs this time, we're able to safely exit the car and head off to our next thrilling locale, the nonspecific 'papers' store. I know what kind of papers I'm hoping for! LET'S INVESTIGATE.

From the looks of it, so is the newsboy.


Hey buddy, how bout you recognize MY FIST.


I pummel his face 'till I finally have to stop on account of my hand is full of splinters.


IN CASE YOU HAD SOMEHOW NOT FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW, THIS GAME IS SET IN THE '40s. NOIR NOIR NOOOOOOIR DRAMA GRITTY GRITTY HEY.
Let's see if this town has any more crime drama cliches for me to visit.


Pete had to compose his sign using letters from the sign for the nudie bar it used to be.


I would love for you to put on a shirt.


Examining the guy reveals the obvious. I voice my concern for both his cholesterol and dislocated elbow.


Fuck, wasn't expecting the 12 gauge he apparently keeps in his penis.


That's the result for pretty much anything other than talking to the dude.
 I buy the useless Gun 3, and head back to the alley.


I...I think I love you.


NNNNNOPE.



Aw come on, am I not emasculated enough for one day as it is?


Commence cheesing it.


Let's grab a cab and get the fuck out of here.


Look, I just feel more comfortable in a cab if i take my pants off, OK?


HOW ABOUT THE CORNER OF MY FIST & YR FACE, EH???


Huh. Noted, and I'll be sure to shoot through the front window when I rob you later.
For now, I'll settle for making a run for it without paying.


Goddamn child safety locks!! FINE.


Luckily he doesn't notice they're Chuck E. Cheese tokens.


 
Ooh! Fancy looting opportunities! Let's head into the lobby.


Sideways!


Haha I got a little something to stick in you right here, baby, it's a little thing I like to call -


-a keycard. What?



Uh...isn't that just how elevators work? I can't remember the last time I stepped into the elevator and had to set a course for the second floor by doing anything trickier than pushing the button with the '2'.


You'd think he could have spent some of that cash and gotten a less-tiny chair.
Looking around reveals a few points of interest.


 
It could be inside the wall? This isn't the Little House on the Prairie here.

 
Heh, heh...oh wait is that why the top of the couch is all white?
EW, GAME. EW.


Look, I told you, no fat chicks.


 According to Google maps, this address is in the middle of a bridge, or possibly the nearby Family Dollar.
Which is great, because I can definitely use a set of kittens-riding-unicorns-sculptures, a denim tuxedo, and maybe some irregular fruit.


Until next time, where we shoot some more stuff, steal some prescription meds, and maybe even make some progress on the plot, if there actually is one!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Deja Vu Part 3

As promised, CRIME!

Jeffrey had been on the line with the hot Asian phone sex operator for 3 days straight, and thought he was finally getting somewhere with her when he died of acute dehydration. He didn't realize she was a recording. It took paramedics 12 hours and a gallon of industrial solvent to unstick him from the desk.

Ben Franklin called, he wants to know why you're using his fucking phone.

Luckily, he's dead, so I don't really care.

Corpse looting!

Oooh, a key! To his Bimmer! Sim simma!

I should steal from him some more.

Good place for it, I suppose. Let's take that.

HAW.

I could also break both my legs and never get to drive that dead guy's sweet car. PASS.

GLORIOUS.

I kind of think the dead guy was weirder, but yeah, chairs are pretty weird. I guess.

Trying to steal the jars, and being DENIED. The game lets you steal every other useless piece of shit you come across, but somehow jars are beneath you.

Empty capsules I find in the trash can are totally cool though, despite essentially being TINY EDIBLE JARS.

MAYBE I CAN PRESERVE TINY FRUITS AND VEGETABLES IN THEM.

"Let's put the obvious torture chair right next to the window. The light there is just lovely."

If you go to Dr. Giggles, maybe.

I don't care, where do you want to go, elevator?

Based on the angle of the wall here, I'm not sure I believe we're actually inside the elevator.

Morning, Johnson.

"Oh hey Bob, what's up with the elevator doors in your office?"

"...It's wall art."

"Really? But I saw Dave coming out of them the other day. Hey what're you doing with that knife, Bob come on, hey, HEY NOOOOOOO"


Back at the fire escape, we make that 9 foot hop down, break both our legs and die, alone and rat chewed in this desolate, brightly lit alley.

Luckily, a skirt happens by.

pay Joey a visit, but I only found his car, so I put a little something under the hood, something to even the score.
It's lucky I ran into you, I have a "surprise" for you in my purse. Wait while I pull it out.

'SCUSE ME WHILE I WHIP THIS OUT.

Exciting as that sounds, my attempts to TAKE, USE, and OPEN were denied, so HIT it is.

Yeah! Take that, unarmed woman! I may not remember myself yet, but I'm liking my style so far.

Fap fast, brave warrior. I steal $20 and Gun 2 from her, both of which are pretty useless. I also steal her cosmetic case, which is essential for a flawless matte finish.

I didn't ask, but OK. Actually, this is the car we got the key to earlier.
Just gonna cross grand theft auto off my list here...likin' myself more and more!

I steal a snapshot, a note, and a map from the glove compart- I mean, DASHBRD.
The note says the car belongs to the mysterious Joey Siegel, and the map is to his apartment. The photo is a little more interesting.

No way, I'm not into chub scouts.

I guess this is one of those Flinstones-powered BMWs.

I know that chick told me she left a "little surprise" under the hood to even that score, buuuuuut. Releasing the hood sounds so fucking exciting, I CAN'T RESIST!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Exploding Hood Release is not the oldest trick in the book.
But it was exciting, I'll grant you that.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Next time we add B&E to our list of felonies, and maybe a little more theft and a nice assault cherry on the top of our custard of crime.